The A Priori Critic

Calendar Girls

Now, I have a confession to make. I am a huge Helen Mirren fan. Excalibur, 2010, and of course, her Prime Suspect series (actually reverse the order there). Now, I would normally jump at a chance to see her naked, but I know from experience not to get my hopes up, only to have them dashed. There is probably good reason why we don't want to see her and her team of 50-60 somethings in the buff, but that was never really in the cards anyway. These sorts of movies: The Full Monty, Bring it On, etc.. all suggest that there will be gratuitious sex and or nudity, or at least a prolonged shower scene. In fact, we get the suggestion and that is it. While I personally woul dnot really want to see a bunch of old ladies show it all in suggestive poses, there are those out there who would, and for you (perverts) I warn you. Do not be decieved! There is no real nudity in this film. Any simulated sex is probably less believable than the love scenes between Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut.

That said, I think it pretty clear, that this would be a fun movie. A Great cast, a feel good theme, and those hilarious British accents. What more can you ask for? In particular the performance of the ever perfect Helen Mirren, and the look for some break out performances from some of the minor cast members. This will bring a smile to anyone who is not some kind of gerio-pervert hoping for elderly nudity. Or at least that is what I heard.

-APC

Radio

Show me the mentally challenged but emotionally genuis young man who changes the lives of those around him! They thought they could help him, but in the end he saves them all. Please kill me now. This movie is worse that Gump, (see my review of Forest Gump in the soon to be released Prolegomena for Any Future Film Review.) I'll confess I didn't see Forest Gump, but I saw enough to know I didn't need to. You may learned everything you need to know in kindergarten, but I have a friggin Ph.D.

There are no surprises in this film. If you've seen the previews you've seen this film. I am 97% sure of this. There is a formula for films like this. The slow kid is picked on, the slow kid is rescued by a well meaning 'norm', the slow kid starts to make friends and new achievements, slow kid gets trusted by new friends, slow kid makes a mistake (possibly involving mice, shrimp, the president, or a pretty girl), villagers gather pitchforks and torches and chase down the slow kid, slow kid rescued by old new friends, slow kid demonstrates heartening message about the human condition. It is the same every time. How many of these films do we really need to see.

Cuba Gooding Jr. has yet to live up to his Oscar, in fact, I really think that ought return that sucker. And Ed Harris? Well, I am of two minds. I heard he was great in Pollack, or so I heard at least. Real Oscar material, he should have gotten the nomination. But, then I am pretty sure he really debased himself in this one. I am mean really.

Well, that is what I surmised from the trailer anyway.

-APC

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

First it was making movies out of TV sitcoms and cartoons. Now there is a the remaking old movie thing. Sigh. I think I can say without fear of reprisals that this movie is a poor attempt to remake a classic. Now I've never actually seen the original Chainsaw, but I did see the original Psycho and I heard its remake sucked. So that is good enough for me. Besides, I want to make a stand now against this sort of thing. Now granted, The TCM is based on a true story, but there have got to be a few make believe stories that can involve a chainsaw, some partially clothed women, and at least one minority who can either die first, or die tragically at the hands of the police (substitute harried heroine if needed) despite not being the bad guy.

The other thing with this is that can't possibly have the cult value once it is remade into a pop hit. Now, there is something sad about just liking something because it is a cult favorite, but at least there is some sense to that. Remaking something so that it take advantage of the cult, well, that is something not even Leatherface could endorse.

So this movie is plotwise pretty much the same as the original. Group of kids stumble upon the cannibalistic skin wearers. Hijinks ensue. Where the new version differs is stylistic. The old version in grainy shaky cam had a sort of minimalist appeal. There wasn't room in the budget for much in the way of costumes or sets, or acting lessons. The best they could do to simulate that in this version is high stars from the WB show seventh heaven. Now normally I'd be all for watching one of those actors get a chainsaw through the head, but why couldn't it be that damnable Steven Collins or Catherine Hicks (neither really understood Star Trek).

The only thing this movie did succeed in recreating was the latent misogyny of the original. I guess if you have aim for authenticity you might as well start at the bottom. Or so I've heard anyway.

-APC

Veronica Guerin

This movie has Oscar written all over it. Cate Blanshett playing a heroic woman journalist. Its got drugs, sex, Ireland. It is a perfect combination. This is the sort of film that makes you proud of the film industry. They have to make a few a Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan, or Angela Jolie/Freddy from Nightmare on Elmstreet formula movies every year to afford to make movies like this one.

We can see from the previews that this film is a serious one. No playful romps through the green fields of the emerald isle here. And more imporantly we can see that it has the stamp of respectability from Cate Blanshett. That means something to a film critic such as myself. Her films are the sorts of ones I wish I watched more of. I think I saw her in Shakespeare in Love, that was her right?

The great thing about this movie is that a woman is portrayed heroically. And thankfully the bad guys are drug dealers. It is about time the entertainment industry took a stand against these silent killers. The fact that they are Irish is just icing on the cake. The Irish have had a free ride in Hollywood for too long.

Now, don't expect any car chases. Well, maybe one or two. But the important thing is that this is not a standard action film. Another plus for this one is that the character is much more realistic, it is almost like it was a real person. We get a sense that she wants to be a good mother, a good wife and then a hero. When was the last time Arnold Schwarzeneggar did that (not counting "Junior")?

I am not saying that you need to see this in the theatre. It isn't Lord of the Rings (another great Cate Blanshat performance). But you should definately plan to rent this movie. At least that is what I've managed to gather from the commercial.

-APC

Kill Bill

Quentin Tarantino makes an homage the world of Japanese Anime with his fourth movie, the first in as many years. Like Foxy Brown, and unlike Pulp Fiction or Reservoir Dogs, this film tries to support a weak plot and poor acting with the kitsch element. Tarantino winks his way through this gore fest expecting us to wink back in bemused camaraderie.

Instead, we avert our eyes, and go into Woody Allen mode, giving the man props for his earlier successes and search in futility for the secret message underneath all of the blood. That film technology can turn anyone, from Keanu Reeves to Cameron Diaz into a super ninja, has already been established, so whatever amazement we are supposed to feel seeing Uma Thurmond swing the Katana is sadly lost on anyone with a DVD player.

My friend who saw this said it was by far the goriest film he had seen in a long time. That the gore itself was so over the top... well I don't remember exactly, but it was over the top. I don't remember if he liked it or not.

Tarantino may have fallen victim to the everything bigger, bolder and grosser mentality that has infected reality TV shows like Fear Factor and the Sopranos. I suspect that the next place we see his mark will be on some straight to video, Pulp Fiction 2? All Reservoir Dogs Go to Heaven?

Tarantino has always had mixed appeal, and his films are really not targeted to children or those with weak stomachs. But you should follow this critic's example and rent Reservoir Dogs instead of wasting your time at this hack n slashfest. Well that's what I've heard anyway.

-APC